Saturday, January 22, 2011

What If by KT McVeigh

What if we had tentacles for legs? Like, where we have legs right now, there were just two tentacles. They could function as legs because of the muscle we built up over time from walking with them, we could bend the ends of them to act like feet. See, that’s the cool thing, we could bend them every way. Maybe we could apply some kind of lotion to them every day to keep the suctiony-suckers from drying up.

What if someone had gray skin? Not sallow: literally gray, like the color of an old chalkboard or an old movie. Unnatural gray, like living, breathing decay. Their eyes would seem pretty yellow in comparison. Their teeth, too. In fact, say they had not only gray skin, but chronically yellow eyes and teeth. And black lips, and black gums. Picture them standing over your bed at night, and you wake up and see them staring down at you, watching you sleep. I would be terrified. I would be terrified to wake up to anyone watching me sleep, but I would be especially terrified if they were gray. What does that say about me?

What if we were magnetic? See, this idea was short lived because you wouldn’t last very long. It all depends on your polarity, I guess. You sit at your desk and you attract a paperclip, it pokes you but, it’s no big deal. You walk down the street and you get stuck to the side of a bus, that couldn’t end well. Unless somebody at the next stop notices you and tries to get you down, but then they’re pissed because they can’t get their watch off of your chest and they have to leave it with you or they’ll miss their meeting… but that does you no good because you just unintentionally stole someone’s watch and all of these magnetic memories from your magnetic childhood are coming back to you, along with the realization that you can’t even see the head of the watch because it is in fact on your chest, and you get stuck to the rail on the stairs up to your place of work while thinking about that time in elementary school when all of the other kids covered you in magnets and it took two of the nurses to pry each one off, quite painfully, one by one. No. It would really suck to be magnetic.

What if you were holding hands with me and you looked away for just a second and you looked back and you were holding a calzone? And I’m nowhere to be found… you’re completely stunned, but eventually it dawns upon you that, however impossible this may seem, I’ve just turned into a calzone. I am a flaky, delicious piece of dough filled with hot, creamy cheese, and nobody is going to believe you. What do you do?

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