Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Calzone Manual by KT McVeigh

The Calzone Manual

[click here for recommended preparatory reading]
 Your friend has just turned into a calzone. The first thing you need to understand is that turning into a calzone is no fucking joke. This guide is something that should be read in advance if you have a pre-existing condition or have had family members turn into calzones. In the event of calzonification, both you and your partner should be prepared for the steps that must quickly follow.

The Early Stages

1. Do not panic. You will frighten the calzone. It is not productive for either of you.
2. Be very careful when handling your calzone friend. If it ruptures, game over.
3. A constantly debated and highly controversial topic is how to keep your calzone at the proper temperature. Many have resorted to using microwaves, while others insist that this is cruel treatment of the calzones, although they are unable to come up with a more humane alternative.

When Your Calzone Becomes Self-Aware

4. Calzones are infamous for freaking the fuck out. Rock your calzone like a baby to coax it to shut the fuck up. Calzone cries can reach dangerous volumes.
5. Talk to your calzone. Calzone fear is the number one leading cause of calzone death. Do not contribute to your calzone’s anxiety, it is likely already pretty concerned.
6. Read your calzone a story. Calzones love that shit.

Life With A Calzone

7. It has been suggested that wishes tattooed on your lower back will translate into writing on your crust if you undergo calzonification. This can be beneficial because:
a. Nobody wants to eat a calzone with writing on it, and
b. It can help your spouse or whoever is with you at the time to understand how you would like them to deal with the situation.

8. Some important topics to discuss ahead of time and possibly get tattooed on yourself might be:
a. Your opinion on microwaves
b. Your favorite stories
c. Desired burial grounds

9. The decision to remain a calzone or to end it all is a highly personal one, which we do not wish to touch on.

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